Peckled

***So, this is funny. I sat down to write about why we’re taking our house off of the market and how we’re going to approach moving back into a house we felt so called to leave. Then, in the draft archives, I found this post I wrote over the summer but never published. It is about why we finally decided to sell and is an interesting read considering we’re moving back in THIS WEEK.

“I love the house we built. I’m not loving the home we’re making in it.”

And there it is. The truth, the catalyst, and the crux of our whole move. I just blurted it out one day and, as they say, you can’t put toothpaste back into the tube.

One evening my husband and I were chatting, mostly about the mundane stuff couples must talk about – bills, schedules, blah de blah – and this little bomb unceremoniously plopped out into the conversation. I love the house we built. I’m not loving the home we’re making in it. Even as my mouth formed the words my brain tried to reel them back in but my heart wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I didn’t know if I could really explain what I meant.

But I didn’t need to.

He felt the same way.

We’re lucky, quite blessed, to live in this house. We know that. It is big. It is beautiful. It has all the fancy trends like hardwood floors, granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. My husband built it (mostly) with his own two hands and what he wasn’t qualified to do we hired out to friends and family. My uncle from Florida designed our HVAC system. Friends from high school did our electrical and plumbing. A friend’s husband framed the entire house. A personal touch, a story, attaches to every nail, outlet, fixture, and faucet. Keith tied my ring to the house key and proposed on the front porch.

We’ve been lucky to live here. We don’t deserve it.

Quite frankly, it is too nice for us. It may not be a fancy McMansion but it is still too nice for us.

I freak out when the floor gets scratched.

I have a conniption when the walls are smudged.

Streaks, stains, and dust are blaring eyesores that stress me out.

Who is this person?

I want to paint and distress the cabinets but won’t allow myself because they are solid oak, custom installed only five years ago.

We’ve been in project mode since we moved in – garage out back, third floor completion, playhouse with chicken coop attached, grassy backyard, and the list goes on. With each upgrade we realize even more that this place is not “us”. I insisted on hardie plank for the playhouse because it matches the house. The garage too, in my mind, required the upgraded exterior because the backyard aesthetic needed cohesion. NEEDED, I tell ya. My husband put his foot down when I suggested hardie planking the old shed.

Who is this person I’ve become?

Would I behave differently in, say, an old farmhouse?

Would I expend energy more constructively in a house that doesn’t require so much attention?

Let me clarify – having a nice house, nice things, and being design conscious are not bad things. (And I’m definitely not preaching a prosperity gospel here, I just mean that these things alone are not inherently wrong pursuits.) It is when these become an idol, a priority, and when they block your vision and eclipse your constructive energy that they become problematic.

I spend a great deal of resources – time, energy, money – maintaing this house.

I’m just wondering if it’s worth it.

I don’t want to portray as petty, narcissistic, or ungrateful because, yes, I do realize that we have nothing to complain about in terms of wants. But I cannot deny the genuine angst that shadows my heart when I survey our time and how we’ve been spending it. Home improvements are great but they have become all-consuming and we are possibly harmfully addicted to projects.

Most of our time, energy, and money are dedicated to our house. It just feels icky after awhile.

It’s not just the more-more-more that concerns us either. We are also poor stewards of our blessing.

I complain, pretty much non-stop, about cleaning this place. I’m in an all out frenzy whenever we host and people are on their way. Suddenly the baseboards I’ve neglected for months are a priority and I’m in fear that someone will turn on a ceiling fan and be showered in dust. Once I stayed up until 5am cleaning for weekend guests. Who was I trying to impress?! Why was I so worried about the house sparkling? And why don’t I just keep up with the cleaning in the first place?

My husband is no better. Our yard is landscaped but the only time it receives upkeep is in the few hours before company arrives. I’m usually holding my breath as the guys are escaping the back yard with leaf blowers in hand as the first guests roll up the driveway.

We are more worried about additions than maintenance. This is a problem.

Hosting, incidentally, is one of the things we suspect we’ll miss the most about leaving. We love being able to volunteer our house for parties, gatherings, and holidays. We’ve especially enjoyed hosting overnight guests and we’ve even had family in town for an entire month! We adore being surrounded by loved ones. We just hope to soon do it in a way that feels less showy.

Am I making any sense?

Recently, we tried to explain ourselves and why we hope to move to a friend who replied, “Um. Your house isn’t that nice.” Another friend suggested, “Just stop doing projects.”

Right.

We’re apparently not very good at explaining our hearts. But it makes sense to us.

Too nice for us.

Less time on us/our house.

Less house. 

More land.

More land – this is a big hope for us. We would love a tiny house on an enormous piece of property. We would love to be forced outdoors and freely explore without trespassing. We’d love to have animals and crops to grow our own food. A self-sufficient homestead, maybe. Obviously this would require an enormous amount of work but since we are apparently addicted to projects, at least these efforts seem more constructive.

So how’d we end up in our house and current situation anyway? Maybe it’s time for a little backstory.

First of all, did you know our current house is the result of rebuilding after a housefire? Yep!

Grab a cup of coffee, I can be long winded… 😉

On Friday, March 13th, 2009 (spooky!) Keith returned from the gym to a driveway full of firefighters and a smoldering house. An electrical fire in the crawlspace wreaked havoc in the living room (nothing left but the Bibles, true story!) and the smoke and soot damage throughout the remainder was something I can barely describe. Everything was ruined. He called me at work and I’ll never forget the solemn disbelief in his voice when revealing, “the house burned down.” Just like that.

(It didn’t actually burn to the ground; I think he was just at a loss for words. The exterior suffered damage but remained intact, though the inside was beyond repair.)

The living room. The right corner was where the fire started. See that burst of color in the bottom left corner? That’s the shelf the Bibles were on. Wow!

The living room now, as shown staged in our real estate listing.

Five years prior, a young 21 year old Keith bought a 1000 sq ft 70’s rancher all by himself as a place to live and work out of. His hardscape business was growing and needed a place to store trucks, equipment, and serve as homebase for the crew. At the time, it made the most financial sense to couple a business property with his residence. So with his own gusto and hard earned money, he bought his first house. All by himself. On his own.

Sidenote – I’m feeling the need to flesh out details here because there’s a common misconception that Keith’s lifestyle fell into his lap after his parents died. That he took over his father’s business and acquired their house. That he inherited a sum of money and thus we can live as we do. No. Just NO. This false assumption irritates the piss out of me. (There I said it.) This man is one of the most self-made individuals you will ever meet. He started his own business as a teenager. It grew and continues to support our livelihood. He bought a house on his own as a young twenty-something. He and his brothers inherited exactly ZERO dollars when their parents died. In fact they had to pool their money together and accept donations for a completely unexpected and very expensive double funeral. All the more reason I get fired up when people assume that they somehow benefited from their parents’ tragic death. Big fat NO. I realize that some people just make innocent presumptions but it drives me crazy when people refuse to recognize the rewards of good ol’ fashioned sacrifice and hard work. He must have been handed some his success, right? Wrong. He reaps what he sows. He and all his brothers do. They were not handed a thing. That’s all there is to it.

*Ahem* Now that all THAT’S off my chest…

On Friday, March 13th 2009 Keith found himself homeless due to the house fire. A few weeks later, he found out he’d be a daddy.

Surprise!

2009 was quite a year. Let me tell ya.

So I’m not sure if you’ve ever had the luxury of dealing with an insurance company post major house damage. Oh, the formalities. Oh, the paperwork. Oh, the headache. I’ll save you the annoying details but trust me when I say “not fun”.

Here’s the thing: If you have a 1000 sq ft rancher before your house catches on fire, the insurance company expects you to have a 1000 sq ft rancher when you are done reconstructing.

Basically, insurance monies will bring you to the point of original state and anything beyond that is on your dime. The other caveat – you can build UPWARDS but not outwards. You can tear down every last beam and post but when you build back up you cannot deviate one inch from the original foundation. You also have the joy of submitting all of your quotes, materials, expenses, etc. to the insurance company for review which is really, really fun.

Down to the foundation!

So we used the existing foundation but built up two stories. Because it was basically a new build and we were already toying with the idea of selling the property, we decided to expense for as many upgraded features as we could afford at the time. We figured this would help its resale value. Lucky for us, in 2009 the economy was still tanked and contractors were hurting for work, so we were able to squeeze in more extras than would’ve been possible otherwise.

During the building process, we knew the house wasn’t “us” but couldn’t help going back and forth in our heads…

Should we just move in it? That room is so perfect for a nursery.

Should we just sell it? We really want more land.

Maybe we’ll just move in… It’s so shiny and new!

Maybe we’ll just sell it… It’s too shiny and new.

When the house was complete, our baby was 10 months old and the three of us had been living that long in a 700 sq ft apartment.

Current kitchen. It is quite the upgrade from our old one.

In the end, the new house and all its spacious shiny and new glory spoke loudest and we moved on in.

We’ve been here nearly five years.

We’ve been talking for five years about selling. We’re finally doing it.

The house has served us well. We are grateful for the blessings it has allowed but it is time to move on.

Our hearts are not here.

The very things that made us reluctant to move into it in the first place are the very reasons we’re moving out. I can tell you with confidence that I felt more “at home” in the tiny apartment than I ever did in our shiny new house. I am overwhelmed here, in many ways.

We are praying for the next owners of our house. We sincerely pray that they can make it their own and love it and care for it as it deserves. We pray they can create a home in it that they can be proud of, for all the right reasons. We pray that in our own next move we will be better stewards of our situation, whatever that may be, and that we dedicate and manage our time more constructively for the glory of His kingdom, instead of our own. Amen.

Thank you, dear reader, for letting me share my heart with you. I hope it made sense.

xx,

_______

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

Is Anne of Green Gables right or what? I just adore this month. It is one of my favorites all year, simply because of the beauty nature gifts us outside (I live in Virginia – we have stunning Octobers) and also for the change it inspires within.

Continuing “THE PROCESS”… Sidenote: I have no idea what to term this whole thing. When I go about it in my own head and on paper I don’t really call it anything. For sheer lack of a real term I’m calling it “THE PROCESS” – plus all-caps makes everything official.

Additionally, some of you may be wondering why in the world I’m making a whole thing of something that should just be obvious and implemented without much fanfare. The thing is… I’m really stubborn. I’m also a paper person. I’m a *if I write it all down and get it out on actual paper it is for real* type of person. And I (sadly) don’t often do the things I should without kicking and screaming.

It is just my thing.

You may be one of those people who thinks “I need to be healthier” and then immediately, without much process, schedules time at the gym and, without much thought, buys better groceries next time you’re at the store. Uh huh. If this is you – I envy you. Really. When I see people on tracks of life I’d like to be on I think why can’t I do that? Why can’t I just DO THAT instead of thinking about it so much?

My husband, honest fella, puts it gently: “It’s called discipline. And you don’t have it.”

Well there ya go.

I have no discipline.

So when I’m really trying at something, I have to be all official about it and make it feel important and exciting or it just won’t ever happen.

One time in college a friend and I were discussing disciplined vs non-disciplined folk. She being the former. Me being the latter. She told me she approached her to-do list (at the time it was homework, studies, job, etc.) without emotion. She simply went down the list and got it done. I think she’s a dentist now soooo there’s that.

People like that are amazing to me.

Me?

I groan and roll my eyes and get really irritated at the things I have to do but don’t want to do. And finally I do it – usually late – and realize gee, that really didn’t take that long and wasn’t so bad. Immature, I know.

But here I am, now in my thirties, with a full grasp of my vices and an understanding that discipline is actually not easy for anybody. There are simply those that push through and those that don’t.

It took awhile (it’s still in progress) but I’m becoming a person who just pushes through it. Not without fanfare, of course.

Which brings me to the next step in THE PROCESS: Intention + Action

For every intention, write an action.

Last time, we established specific areas where we’d like to focus within our Broad Priorities. We called them Narrow Priorities. Mine are below:

BROAD PRIORITIES | narrow priorities

1. FAITH: prayerfulness, Bible reading
2. SELF: body, mind
3. FAMILY: husband, children, pets
4. HOUSEHOLD: budget, tidiness
5. COMMUNITY: local service, global awareness

Another sidenote: My BFF called me out after my last post, wondering why “SELF” came before “FAMILY” in my list. (By the way, if you’re a blogger and you come from a small town you just better be prepared for transparency. Same goes if you have a large family. Both of these are true for me. Your readers may have known you since your awkward middle school years and maybe even since diapers and you ain’t getting a thing by them. This is a good thing. Accountability is everything when you’re putting yourself out there.)

So to clarify – because it is a great question – SELF comes before FAMILY here only because this list is in terms of assigning intentional actions. Basically, if I didn’t INSIST on dedicating intentional time to myself, it would never happen.

I have actually found that putting myself higher on the list creates a trickle down effect that affects the whole family in a positive way. You’ve heard “if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” – well this is sort of like that. If Mama doesn’t have herself under control, it is impossible for her to positively influence her family. It is like being on a doomed airplane: you are instructed to put the mask on yourself first, then assist others. You cannot help others if you cannot breathe. I’m no good to my family when I’m broken.

Do I value myself over my family? Not in that sense. I would literally jump in front of a moving train for my husband or one of my children. No question. If I need new shoes but so does my daughter, guess who gets them? If I need my clothes washed but so does my husband, guess who’s I take care of first? I can count on one hand the times I showered the first few weeks after the baby came home. When everyone around you holds a higher value to you, time and attention gets divvied up to them first and you second, third, last. It is not easy to take the time to shower, read my Bible, or exercise when so many other things demand my time and attention throughout the day. I think I speak for most Mamas on that front.

But if I want the best of myself available for my family, I must carve out time for self maintenance. This usually requires getting up earlier, going to bed later, and being more disciplined with my time. It is not easy, but I know from experience that intentional focus on self is invaluable. It is not selfish but in fact, quite giving.

Does that make sense?

Now that we’ve got that covered let’s move on to – [Intention + Action] – the meat and potatoes of this post!

It’s time to make it happen. It’s time to put your intentions into motion and honor your priorities with the time and attention they deserve.

Each priority (intention) will be assigned an action. The action will be specific and measurable. It’s just not enough to say “I want to live better” – what EXACTLY are you going to do to achieve this? Establish the WHY behind the WHAT. The reason we’re going about this process so elementary and stating the obvious is because it’s important to know exactly why you’re implementing something and precisely how you’ll be going about it. This encourages follow through. When your WHYS are attached to your core, the WHATS matter more.

First, for each broad priority write out the why and the what.

“I want to _____ because _____.”

Then, for each narrow priority write out an action.

“I’m going to _____.”

It’s okay to sound like a first grader here.  I want to eat ice cream because I like it. Keep it simple.

Here are some guidelines:

Be simple.
This doesn’t have to be some grand lofty philosophical blah-de-blah. Nobody is going to see this but you. Nobody is personalized t-shirts about your goals or making inspirational memes about them. Don’t say something like “REACH MY MOUNTAINTOP WITH MAJESTIC GRACE!” Don’t be ridiculous and vague. Keep it simple.

Be real.
I want to lose weight because I’m fat. I mean if that’s the truth, so be it. Write it down in your own real words.

Be specific and measurable.
Instead of writing “I’m going to go to the gym” try “I’m going to workout 30 minutes 5 times a week”.

Be realistic.
Don’t say you’re going to workout 2 hours every day if there’s simply no feasible way that can happen in your daily life.

Choose one.
There are probably many different actions you could choose to support your goal. For now, just choose one. When that becomes a habit, choose another. In my example below I have a few things in one spot and only one in another. You’ll be more in tune with what’s manageable for you.

Besides Community, these Broad Priorities have been on my list since the first time I did this. My priorities haven’t changed but my actions have. Some of the actions I chose to focus on, one at a time, 3 years ago are now daily habits. Give yourself a chance to actually make it work: choose one thing at a time.

Ready?

BROAD PRIORITY: why behind the what
–> Narrow Priority: intentional action

1. FAITH: I want to continue growing in my faith because I want to go to heaven when I die and have a meaningful Christ-centered life on earth. I will do this, in part, by staying prayerful and by reading my Bible.
   1. Prayerfulness: Keep a daily notebook of prayer concerns and requests and pray specifically on each one. When someone requests prayers on Facebook, write it down in the notebook and don’t comment “Praying!” or whatever until I’ve actually done so.
   2. Bible reading: Read the Bible every morning. This will be the FIRST thing I do when I wake up.
2. SELF: I want to regain a healthy lifestyle so that I can feel comfortable with my body again and have enough energy to play with my children. I want my mind to be full of useful, meaningful thoughts and information because pointless junk serves no purpose.
   1. Body: Enroll in another meal plan & exercise accountability group. DRINK 8 CUPS OF WATER A DAY.
   2. Mind: Read meaningful material in bed at night. Finish one book this month.
3. FAMILY: I want to serve my family because they are important to me and deserve my best time and attention.
   1. Husband: Do a better job of creating a peaceful, loving home for him to return to at night. Don’t immediately start complaining about my day when he comes through the door. Set the tone for the evening with a smile and kiss, no matter what mood I’m in.
   2. Children: Designate one block of time each day for child-led play. Anything else that happened that day has no merit here. Punishments are lifted, discipline and authority roles on my part are turned off. This time block is strictly child-led.
   3. Pets: Designate one block of time per day devoted to pet activity and maintenance. The dogs are better behaved when they receive attention and activity. All the animals are healthier when they are groomed regularly.
4. HOUSEHOLD: I want to be a better steward of my household because our lives are less stressful when I’m diligently holding myself accountable and in control.
   1. Budget: Continue our current budget system. Sit down together and enter expenses once per week. Do not skip agreed % of monies for giving and savings categories. Keep a printout of our budget in my wallet with ledger and pencil. Manually adjust debits per transaction during errands to control unnecessary spending.
   2. Tidiness: Devote 30 minute time block per day for strictly cleaning using rolling list of tasks. DO NOT go to bed with a dirty kitchen.
5. COMMUNITY:
   1. Local Service: Complete paperwork for a position in the county’s volunteer program. Choose one “event” to serve within the month.
   2. Global Awareness: Stay abreast of global issues via non-U.S. media sources so that I’m not living in a bubble. Write prayer concerns in the prayer journal and pray intentionally and specifically for a chosen cause.

And there they are in all their glory. I have notebooks and notebooks of these things from past sessions and I’m telling you from experience that writing it out helps immensely. It is so important to me to be intentional and meaningful with my time.

I must say though… as many times as I’ve done this, I’ve never done it publicly! I’m a little embarrassed to be throwing it all out there but one of my goals for this year was to “love it or leave it” with the blog. I so don’t want to leave it and as much as I love creating tutorials and creative content, right now most of my hours are filled with my children. We had a baby this year and I’m homeschooling our six year old so there’s not much extra time for the “fun” stuff in this space – just the real life stuff. That’s okay with me if it’s okay with you!

There will be more #IntentionalOctober to come next week. How are you faring? Feel free to share any goals you have for intentional time this month and we can encourage each other!

xo, J

I kept wanting to title this “Kid Music That Doesn’t Suck” because that’s all my tired brain could come up with, but I couldn’t decide if “suck” was a bad word or not. Is it? (More on cuss words next week… right now we’ve got music to discuss!)

Kid Music… Groan.

After the umpteenth repeat of Down On Grandpa’s Farm I can be found in the fetal position ripping my ears off and feeding them to the dogs. Okay maybe that’s a fantasy. The mind loses itself when subjected to shrill voices set to crap computer arrangements.

Kids are real people. They deserve real music.

Through my daughter’s infancy and toddlerhood I didn’t really pay attention to the music she listened to. Basically, she heard what I played and seemed to like it just fine. Babies love music and they can’t understand the lyrics yet anyway, so it’s all good. 70′s Rock On.

But then she started talking… and started repeating everything… so radio had to go. So did most my CDs. No more “drunk on a plane” for this kid. (Country music, I love you so. But what is happening with you? Ugh.)

About a year ago I decided that we were watching too much television and not listening to enough music. Since I have no restrictions on music – any time for however long (unlike tv) – I decided to make the transition really exciting and gave her HER OWN cd player, one simple enough for her to manage, and a few children’s CDs.

TIP: When shopping for kid’s music, just say no to anything under $5 with cheesy graphics. (My bad.) Sure you’re saving money but you are sacrificing your sanity. Your kid will love it and play it over and over and over and over… And you will hate it. (Fetal position. Feeding your own ears to the dogs. Remember?)

For everyone’s sake, invest in quality music for your children. It actually does exist!

Here are our family’s current favorites:

If you can’t tell by all the guitars on the cover art in this round-up, I have a hankering for pickin’. Folk, indie, blues-y, country styles are my fave so there’s my little disclaimer. But even if that’s not your “genre” I encourage you to dig into these albums.

Putumayo’s World Playground – We LOVE this! The music is really upbeat and includes a great sampling of different beat structures and tempos. Most of the tracks are in other languages so we have no idea what they’re saying but it doesn’t stop us from jamming out! This one is a top favorite.

The Best Of The Laurie Berkner Band – Okay this one doesn’t qualify as kid-music-that-doesn’t-sound-like-kid-music. It is definitely kid music. But I still enjoy it. The lyrics are really silly, so she loves them, and the arrangements from track to track differ greatly enough to keep it interesting. This isn’t one that I can stand on repeat all day long but I do enjoy it enough to allow it in the car. That’s saying something.

Jazz For Kids – Oh my stars. What a gem! This is a really fun collection of classic jazz artists’ kid-friendly songs. I don’t actually know if these songs were composed specifically for kids or if they just happen to be tame enough for a kids’ collection – but who really cares. You can’t help but dance to these fun rhythms. Plus there’s a few songs about chickens, YAY! Our only complaint is that there aren’t more songs. 11 is not enough of this goodness!

Jack Johnson for Curious George – We have not seen this movie but its music sure is treasured around here. I’ve been Jack Johnson obsessed for years (I don’t care what anyone says!) so when I discovered he composed for the film I had to sample. No disappointment here. This one is preferred in the car or just as “background” music when we’re home all day. Soft, peaceful, sweet – typical Jack Johnson but with children’s themes. Love.

Elizabeth Mitchell: You Are My Little Bird – My heart just smiles at this album. The sweetest, most melodious little ditties play here and it’s simply a pleasure to listen to. I love Elizabeth Mitchell’s voice, so delicate, and this one hangs out in the cd player morning, noon, or night.

For The Kids – I’m gonna let Amazon.com explain this one: “An all-star cast has joined forces to produce a wonderful CD and, if that weren’t exciting enough, a portion of the proceeds will help restore music education in the U.S. public school system through the VHI Save the Music Foundation.” So yeah, familiar artists sing fun kid songs in a philanthropic effort. Win-Win-Win!

Hidden In My Heart – I know. Someone singing scripture maybe doesn’t sound like it will be all that great in a musical sense, but give this a chance. It is heartbreakingly beautiful. The female and male voices are so tender and soothing. The music is peaceful, soft and slow. This album is perfect for quiet time, bed time, or any time you want the Word to wash over you. Truly beautiful.

Plumb: Blink – This album helped me survive a drama filled first pregnancy. Seriously. Plumb, Christian rock artist, wrote and dedicated each song to one of her children and they are just so touching. It’s great for a lullaby cd, car rides, and for those times when you may just need a healing cry. This one may not resonate with everyone – it’s really best for those with children – and it may not be suited for all children. My oldest loves it but I think it has something to do with me telling her I listened to it endlessly while pregnant with her. She does sing and “dance ballet” to it often though. If you can handle lyrics tugging hard at your heartstrings and possibly making you cry (bawl) then go for this one.

Rain for Roots: The Kingdom of Heaven is Like This – I adore Rain for Roots. Their whimsical sound, clear vocals, and scripture themed lyrics create the perfect combination and match for our young family. My little one sings along, I enjoy the music, and we enjoy the conversations sparked as she learns Bible stories through this music. They have several albums out, this is just the one we happen to have, and I want them all!

So there ya go. Our current faves. I’m always on the lookout for fresh sounds – please tell me your favorites!

Happy Listening…

xo,